Newsies: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Coneflower Adams
Summary: Have you ever wanted to own your own newsie? Come in and order now! Second up is JACK KELLY! See how to maintenance your very own JACK!
1. Spot Conlon

Writer's note: I have never seen this done before in Newsies fandom, so thought I'd try it out. I think I'm gonna make a series with it since I already started some more. Hopes it's amusing!  
  
***  
  
  
  
Spot Conlon: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual  
  
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***  
  
You are now the proud owner of your very own SPOT CONLON! Read the manual to find out how to use your fearless Leader of Brooklyn to his full potential.  
  
  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
  
  
  
Name: Spot Conlon  
  
Type: Human (male)  
  
Manufacturer: Conlons Over Brooklyn Company  
  
Height: 5' 8  
  
Weight: 90 lbs  
  
  
  
INSTALLATION  
  
When you receive your SPOT model, don't be alarmed if inside the shipping crate there is a loud voice yelling, "BROOKLYN!" Just wait until the yelling stops before opening the crate. You will know by then that your SPOT model has calm down.  
  
  
  
ACCESSORIES  
  
Your SPOT comes with an array of items:  
  
(a) gold tipped cane  
  
(b) key   
  
(c) slingshot with marble ammunition   
  
***NOTE*** If your SPOT model is shooting marbles at people who he 'claims' to be scabs, make sure to buy some old bottles for him to aim at instead before you get sued by someone.  
  
  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE  
  
  
  
Your SPOT model is accomplished in many aspects.   
  
  
  
Leader  
  
It is true that your SPOT is a born leader. He can wrangle the local street gang and turn them into an effective rescue team for other street gangs who are being attacked by the authority.  
  
  
  
Slingshot User  
  
As you may have already found out, your SPOT is a pro at using a slingshot. You may enter him in slingshot contest. He'd most likely win first place every time.   
  
  
  
Insulter  
  
Though this accomplishment could be taken offensively, you can easily use your SPOT to insult anyone you please especially authority figures (e.g. judges, wardens, newspaper owners) or people who have betrayed you.  
  
  
  
CLEANING  
  
  
  
The SPOT model is very peculiar about how he is to be cleaned. Go out immediately to buy a porcelain tub and make sure it has boiling water in it when your SPOT decides to clean.   
  
  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
  
  
  
Q: What exactly does+ SPOT's key go to?  
  
  
  
A: No one is positive of that fact. Some say it unlocks a secret family heirloom or a joke made by the Newsies production staff to drive fangirls crazy over what the key might be for.   
  
  
  
***CAUTION*** If you ask your SPOT if his key is a "key to your heart", he will proceed to beat the tar out of you with his cane. PLEASE restrain from asking!  
  
  
  
Q: Every time I read the newspaper in the morning, my SPOT pushes me to the side and screams, "Where's me pitcha?!" How do I get him to stop?  
  
  
  
A: Easily solved. Just tell him to stop thinking about himself and he'll move on. If he does not stop this behavior, take drastic measures of putting an article on the front page with his picture in it.   
  
  
  
Q: I'm worried about my SPOT. He keeps saying he hears 'little boids' chirping in his ear. What do I do?  
  
  
  
A: This is normal for the programming of a SPOT model. If you do not wish for this occurrence, rent a JACK KELLY model to come talk to him.   
  
  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING  
  
  
  
Problem: Words gotten out that you own a SPOT model. Hundreds of teenage fangirls sporting "I'm a Gabey-babe" pins and chanting "Ladaei!" are camping out on your lawn.  
  
  
  
Solution: Thanks to the popularity of the SPOT model, this is a frequent occurrence among SPOT owners. Take heed the following steps:  
  
  
  
(1) It essential that you hide your SPOT. Do not hide him in the bedroom - it is the first place they will look.   
  
(2) Inform them that "Bayou Ghost" can be found at your local video store.   
  
(3) If there are still a few stragglers who actually have a brain to not believe that load-a-crock, then say your SPOT is an Original Script SPOT model. You're lawn will quickly be emptied.   
  
  
  
***NOTE*** Follow the security procedures for the safekeeping of your Brooklynite.  
  
  
  
* Do not leave your SPOT unattended in public.  
  
* Do not lend your SPOT to anyone (especially members of the NML).  
  
*Do not let your SPOT ride in the front seat of your car.   
  
  
  
Problem: Random girls show up on your doorstep claiming to be your SPOT's long lost sisters and are looking for a place to stay.  
  
  
  
Solution: This is a major problem for many SPOT owners. Inform them that they are the sisters of the JACK KELLY model who lives with your archenemy down the street, and they'll proceed to invade that house.  
  
  
  
Problem: Every time the paperboy rides by on his bike, my SPOT knocks him off and yells something about "getting his hands dirty".  
  
  
  
Solution: Your SPOT is in the Strike mode. To rid him of that mode, inform him that the paperboy is not a dirty rotten scabbard.  
  
  
  
FINAL NOTE  
  
  
  
Your SPOT is under guarantee until August 2, 1899. After that, Teddy Roosevelt will stop by and pick him up in his carriage and ride off into the sunlight. 


	2. Jack Kelly

*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***  
  
  
  
You are now the proud owner of your very own JACK KELLY! Please follow  
  
the procedures detailed in this manual in order to use your cowboy to his  
  
full potential.  
  
  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
  
  
  
Name: Jack Kelly (aka Francis Sullivan; Cowboy; Jacky-boy; and alotta  
  
utta things)  
  
  
  
Type: Human (male)  
  
  
  
Manufacturer: Sullivan Industries   
  
  
  
Height: 5' 10  
  
  
  
Weight: 130lbs  
  
  
  
  
  
INSTALLATION  
  
  
  
When you open the crate your JACK model is shipped in, don't be alarmed  
  
if he's lying there looking rather dead. Just poke him in the side and  
  
ignore his banter about you being "mad". He's not insulting you. After  
  
getting him up, point him to the washroom and he'll come out a minute  
  
later singing and dressed for the day.  
  
  
  
  
  
ACCESSORIES  
  
  
  
Your JACK comes equipped with the following items:  
  
  
  
(a) cowboy hat (that is to only be worn when he comes in contact with a  
  
SPOT model or rescuing a fellow NEWSIES model from jail)  
  
  
  
(b) Western Jim Santa Fe pamphlet  
  
  
  
© cigarettes (only to be smoked at night during a riot)  
  
  
  
(d) a SARAH model  
  
  
  
***WARNING*** If your JACK comes with a "scab" suit, please dispose of it  
  
immediately! You do not want other NEWSIES models (especially a SPOT  
  
model) to come by your house and attack your JACK because they think he's  
  
a scab.   
  
  
  
***NOTE*** If you plan on being your Jack model's 'one and only', quickly  
  
dispose of the SARAH model as fast as you can!!!  
  
  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE  
  
  
  
Let's face it, your JACK isn't all that bright, but we've listed a few  
  
helpful things he's actually good at.  
  
  
  
Defender  
  
When it comes to defending kids, handicap people, or damsels in distress,  
  
the JACK model is perfect for any situation! His fists are always ready  
  
for a showdown.   
  
  
  
Cowboy  
  
The JACK model really lives up to his nickname! Not only is your JACK an  
  
accomplished horse rider, but also good at twirling a rope. He'll take  
  
you on horse rides through narrow streets on darkened nights and sing  
  
songs of the Old West to you under the stars.   
  
  
  
***CAUTION*** Don't be alarmed if you are attacked by rodeo gypsies  
  
wielding guns. Your JACK most likely stole their horse right in front of  
  
them and they just want it back. Make sure you and your JACK lay quickly  
  
flat on the ground until the gypsies depart.  
  
  
  
Dynamic Speaker  
  
We think it's common knowledge that the JACK model has a big mouth. But  
  
teamed up with a DAVID model, your JACK will deliver extraordinary pep  
  
talks to school sports teams and other groups who such as Union workers  
  
who've recently have had a disagreement with the management of their  
  
workplace. Just let a DAVID model write your JACK'S speeches and his  
  
audience will be whipped into a frenzy soaking anyone who dares to not  
  
join them.   
  
  
  
  
  
CLEANING  
  
  
  
Your JACK can get pretty dusty and sweaty when he's living up to his full  
  
potential, so it's efficient to remind him to use the washroom as often  
  
as possible. Supply him also with a shaving kit. It's true, he'll never  
  
even have an inch of stubble, but shaving will keep your JACK's  
  
confidence on a high.  
  
  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
  
  
  
Q: A scary bald man with freaky blue eyes keeps peeking in my windows and  
  
approaches me in my yard asking if he could visit my JACK. Who is this  
  
man and should I let him visit?  
  
  
  
A: Absolutely NOT! This is an evil model called WARDEN SNYDER. He has an  
  
obsession over your JACK and will not stop until he gets his clutches  
  
into him! Protect your JACK by kicking this SNYDER in the face on a swing  
  
or by flashing a camera in his face. If that doesn't work, hide your JACK  
  
with the local JACOBS model family then call the police!!!  
  
  
  
Q: My JACK looks longingly at the sunrise every morning and sings over  
  
and over about Santa Fe. Then he goes out at night in a desperate search  
  
for a TEDDY ROOSOVELT model to take him to the train station. What do I  
  
do?   
  
  
  
A: You might want to think about taking a trip to Santa FE, NM. Your JACK  
  
has a longing for this place where he's never actually been. Taking a  
  
trip there will ease his yearning for it. You don't have to worry about  
  
him staying; your JACK will always come back to you with an excuse of  
  
having "family heah".   
  
  
  
Q: My JACK has taken up swing dancing and has made friends with a guy  
  
named Peter. Now he's changed his name to Thomas, has become extremely  
  
obnoxious, and wants to join a German soldier organization. Should I let  
  
him?  
  
  
  
A: By all mean NO! Your JACK has been influenced to think he's a THOMAS  
  
model from Swing Kids. Immediately stop contact with this PETER model.  
  
Even though the PETER model is a very nice person, he'll indirectly get  
  
your JACK into a heap of trouble with this German organization that he  
  
will not be able to get out of.   
  
  
  
  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING  
  
  
  
Problem: Every time you go to a drive-up fast food place your JACK model  
  
knocks on the window and says real annoyingly, "Weasel." Then when the  
  
fast food worker opens the window, your JACK grabs the bag out of their  
  
hand rudely.   
  
  
  
Solution: This behavior will not change. It's a routine for your JACK  
  
programmed into him. We suggest not to take your JACK to the drive up  
  
anymore.   
  
  
  
Problem: Your JACK keeps beating up guys named Morris or Oscar or  
  
Delancey.   
  
  
  
Solution: Your JACK is getting confused about whom to beat the living  
  
daylights out of. Just find a DELANCEY BROTHER model in the neighborhood  
  
and let your JACK go!  
  
  
  
  
  
FINAL NOTE  
  
We hope you enjoy your JACK KELLY model to the fullest! Remember we do  
  
not give refunds! 


End file.
